Why kids bully (and how to stop it)

Have you noticed your preteen or teenage child acting nervous, withdrawn or irritable since they returned to school this year? Bullying, or the fear of bullying, could be to blame.

Bullying can be traumatizing, whether it's physical, emotional, relational or cyber. It extends beyond playful teasing, which is often unintentional, to deliberate harm persisting over a long period.

“Bullying is prevalent across genders, though boys tend to exhibit physical bullying, while girls commonly use more covert or manipulative methods known as relational bullying,” explains Jennifer Wojciechowski, PhD, a psychologist affiliated with Sharp Mesa Vista Hospital. “This type of bullying attempts to make others feel unaccepted by damaging a child’s rapport with her peers.”

How kids bully one another

Common examples of relational bullying include:

• Spreading nasty rumors

• Gossiping

• Exposing confidential information

• Excluding

• Giving the silent treatment

• Verbally criticizing

“Though relational and verbal attacks — such as gossiping, spreading rumors and intimidation — do not inflict physical wounds, the effects are equally traumatizing for many children,” cautions Dr. Wojciechowski. “Children who are bullied may experience social anxiety, loneliness, depression and diminished self-esteem, and may exhibit acting-out behaviors.”

Childhood bullying can also impact relationships later in life, Dr. Wojciechowski says. Such negative early experiences can make it difficult to trust others throughout adulthood.

Why children bully

Typically, bullies target victims because they are “different” in some way. They are picked on because of their weight, height, disabilities, and for other — often unalterable — reasons. However, relational bullying focuses less on physical characteristics and arises mainly from an unresolved conflict that is not directly addressed.

Reasons a child bullies another child can be due to boredom or desire for attention. Jealousy and revenge for a perceived wrong are also common motives.

How parents can help

Dr. Wojciechowski reports that parents often feel helpless and are unsure about the appropriate action to take against bullying. The best thing to do is to offer support, empathy and a listening ear, she says. Parents can encourage their children to express their feelings in a healthy manner and model appropriate communication.

“It's important to stress to your child that bullying is wrong and that your child isn’t inviting the bullying in some way,” says Dr. Wojciechowski. “It’s also helpful for parents to address the issue with your child’s school rather than taking matters into your own hands, no matter how tempting that may be.”

What kids can do

So, what should teens do if they are being bullied? Encourage them to try the following tips:

• Speak out against the bullying.

• Stick up for themselves.

• Ignore the bully completely.

• Act as though the teasing isn’t making an impact.

• Share their concerns with a trusted adult, so they can help put a stop to it.

“Bullying isn’t a new problem, but it appears to be escalating in our communities,” says Dr. Wojciechowski. “The popularity of social media and other electronic forms of bullying bring the bullying into the home, offering no refuge once school ends.”

According to Dr. Wojciechowski, it is vital that bullying — why it’s done, what it looks like and how to stop it — needs to be addressed at home, in schools, and in the various clubs, teams and organizations where kids spend their time.

Talk with your child's doctor if you are concerned about how bullying may be affecting their mental health. Together, you can help your child find solutions or determine if specialized care, such as therapy, is needed.

If your child or teen is experiencing a severe mental health condition, learn how Sharp Mesa Vista can help.

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